And...another lie.

So, Mike has been going to counseling for porn addiction, and all he's learned is to hide it better.  Not sure how to do it, but I'm ready to leave.  He thinks that him getting help means I need to stay and keep giving him chances...but I was done when he started counseling.  I want to make sure that I do everything I can to make this work so I have no regrets, and as of now the only thing I regret is not leaving sooner.  I am going to try to get a few job interviews when I'm home for Christmas, and my sister said I can stay with her if I need to.  I don't want to be a burden to my family, but I don't know what else I can do. The threat of me leaving doesn't make him want to change, and once I leave it will be for good.  There is NO trust anymore, so the relationship has no chance.  Goodnight.

Chocolate cake and sex

It's after 4 AM and I'm still awake...and for no good reason!  My birthday went pretty well, I got a haircut and mike took me out to dinner.  This was probably the best birthday I've had since we've been together, because he actually made an effort.  He made me a cake and bought me a CD that I wanted.  The fact that he came home and immediately went to sleep on the couch-and I had to wake him up to take me to dinner was a little annoying.  I was hoping that he would at least attempt to put the moves on me, but he got in bed and went straight to sleep.  I was hoping for chocolate cake and sex on my birthday, at least the cake was delicious.

He was off today for Veteran's day, and I was hoping he would be up to doing something fun.  He slept until 6 PM, and I did laundry and caught up on recorded shows on the DVR.  6 PM...that's just ridiculous!  We went to bed late, but it was about 2 AM, nothing that would have required him to sleep so late.  He has staff duty again today-so I won't see him until Sunday morning. There went our weekend.

All I wanted before bed was a long, hot shower.  Mike jumped in before me and took way longer than normal...and used all of the hot water.  I was hoping to shave my legs, but doing so in cold water is just counter-productive.  That pissed me off a little.  Just as the cold water started feeling a little less uncomfortable, he decided that he had to poop.  Awesome. I stood under the cold water  until he was finished. 

I am easily irritated lately because of all of the lying and ridiculousness, I am really hoping that him getting help-will help us. My self esteem has taken quite a hit since this porn addiction has come to light, and I find myself angry and annoyed way more than normal.  This just isn't me.  I'm happy, loving, excited by little things...i just want to get back to the old me.  I am trying to hard to work through this with him and make our marriage work, but I am not willing to lose myself in the process.  I liked me, as a matter of fact I LOVED me! Now I don't even know who this person is. I am putting this in writing so that I can't deny it.  This really is his last chance. Mike, if you give a shit enough about our marriage to bother reading my blog, please believe me.  I'm done.  Love isn't always enough, especially when there isn't any trust.  We're hanging on by a very thin thread. I'm going to try to get some sleep before the sun comes up!

Turning 31

I always try to make my husband feel special on his birthday.  I make him a cake, cook him a meal that he loves, make or buy him a card, and get him a gift from the heart.  Gifts aren't really our thing, we love getting them for other people-but I would rather have a poem, handmade card-something that takes a little time and thought from my husband.  He has never done anything to make me feel special at all on my birthday, and now that it's only 4 days away I find myself dreading it.  I am not dreading turning 31, but the feeling that he just doesn't care.  I don't know why I expect him to do anything special, I keep track of every family and friend birthday and I send cards and gifts...I guess hoping that he would remember mine is a little silly. 

I know that he loves me, that's not the issue.  There has just been so much going wrong since he got home from Afghanistan.  I am constantly being lied to, he has a porn addiction, and he hasn't initiated sex even once since before he left for Afghanistan-in May of 2010.  I would just love a birthday where he does something, anything, to try to make ME feel special!  I told him that I would love a chocolate cake that I don't have to make, I don't feel like I'm asking for too much.  My mom is here, so I'm sure she will remind him and he will be scrambling around to do something at the last second.  He is working a 24 hour shift the day before, and he will probably get home around 9:30 am on my birthday.  He will go to sleep until his first appointment with his addiction counselor at 2, and then he will come home and most likely want to go back to bed.  I honestly don't even think he will make it to his appointment, he will inevitably forget to set his alarm-or sleep through it.  I know this sounds ridiculously negative, but that's just how I'm feeling at the moment.

I'm going to make Thursday my day.  I'm getting a hair cut, taking myself to lunch, and maybe even treating myself to a movie.  If I keep busy, at least I won't be thinking about the fact that my husband doesn't put any thought into my birthday.  I wish I could be like him and just blow off his birthday, but that's just not who I am.  No matter how hurt I am, I don't want him to feel the way I have felt every year on my birthday since we got married.  Alone.  I feel selfish thinking these things, let alone writing them.

Sick of Technology

Since I am a terrible blogger and haven't written in several months...and I have no followers, I am pretty sure nobody is going to read this.  That being said, I am going to vent.

My husband has been spending way more time than normal on his laptop lately, and after awhile I started to wonder why.  After 3-4 hours a night on the computer, I ask him to get off and spend time with me, and he immediately grabs his phone and starts browsing the web there. I decided to check up on him (in front of him) and see what has been consuming so much of his time, and I was shocked to realize that it was porn.  Not only has he been looking at it on his laptop with me in the room, he was looking at it several times a day on his phone-sometimes on his lunch break at work.

To some wives this isn't an issue at all, they just don't care.  From the time I was 18 to about 23, the man I was with was an internet porn addict.  I finally got away from him, and I promised myself I would never be with another man like him.  Mike was my best friend, he completely understood where I was coming from, and he proimsed that porn would never be part of our marriage unless we were looking at it together. 

He spent a year in Afghanistan, where he viewed porn on a daily basis (and swore he wasn't).  He came him in May and has barely showed any interest in me.  After I saw all of the porn on his computer and phone, he came clean and admitted that he's addicted to porn.  He is seeing an addiction counselor starting next Thursday (my 31st birthday) and hopefully he will make some progress.

Mike has lied to me about hundreds of little things throughout our entire marriage (5 years and 3 months) and the porn is the straw that broke this camel's back.  I am so angry and hurt, and I just don't understand why he would choose porn over making love to his wife!  Currently-he is sleeping in the guest bedroom, and I think that for now it's really for the best.  I am so angry that when he wouldn't stop snoring last night I was tempted to push him out of bed-which really isn't very nice.  I am going to stand by him while he gets help, but I can't and won't take any more.  One more lie, one more inappropriate web page...and I'm going to have to leave.  I love him more that I ever thought possible, but I feel more hurt and betrayed than I ever thought possible-and I have for over 5 years.  He probably won't change, but I'm going to give him this one last chance. 

Our first deployment: A review

This deployment has taught me so much about myself and my marriage, and as much as I hate the fact that it may (and probably will) happen again, I think that I am a little more prepared.

I have been very fortunate to have my mom here with me for most of the deployment.  She has helped me through several breakdowns, a major vomiting episode, and everything in between.  Not having her here next time will suck!

I learned that yard work in 90 degree weather is pretty awful, and I will be much more appreciative when Mike is out there doing it.  I also learned that beating on a lawn mower will not make it work, and a major breakdown in the front yard after beating  the lawn mower is not productive. Unfortunately, I also discovered what a major ass one of my neighbors is.

I have learned that I have to reach out to friends and family when I need them, and I also learned who will be there when I truly need them.  People who have been good friend for years may not always prove to be good friends when you really need them, especially when they don't understand what you are going through.  I was also really surprised that one of my friends went so far out of her way to make sure I was okay and felt loved. Your friendship means the world to me!!

Being away from Mike for so long was literally like having my heart ripped in half.  Some days it was unbearable, but it really made me realized how much I have taken for granted.  Mike has always been more affectionate than me, he's kindof a romantic.  There were several times that  he wanted to hug me just a little longer, or slowdance, or kiss me...and there was always something else that had to me done.  I realize now that HE is the most important thing, and I need to kiss him longer, dance with him more often, and just spend more time loving him.  The dishes and laundry can wait an hour...or even a day.  I learned that I really need to nurture our marriage and make our love grow.  It's not always easy, but we are amazing together; and we are worth it!

Just a few more weeks!

Mike comes home in a few short weeks, and I am going absolutely nuts!  I'm not going crazy at the grocery store buying all of his favorite foods (yet), or going overboard with the housecleaning...I just don't feel like myself!  I haven't heard from him in a few days and I think that's adding to the psychosis.  On a better note, I'm super happy that the government didn't shut down and he will get a full paycheck!  This will help immensely when I do decide to buy all of his favorite foods at the grocery store!  In a few short weeks, I will have so much less to worry about.  My heart will be whole again, and I won't feel the worry that I feel when I go even a day without hearing from him.  Maybe the progression of my gray hairs will even slow down!  My hero will be home, so I won't have to be brave next time one of the dogs drops a dead possum at my feet...in my dining room.  I just can't wait until I can finally breathe...really breathe-knowing that he is sleeping soundly (snoring loudly) next to me.  Finally at home safe.

Nightmares

A very wise friend told me that the last few months of deployment are the hardest.  I didn't realize how stressed I have been until I started having terrible nightmares that he is just gone.  I don't know what happened, but he's not here anymore and all I can do is cry.  Luckily, he usually calls and interrupts the nightmare and I can breathe a huge sigh of relief.  I didn't hear from him today and I'm sure he's fine, but the nightmare is always in the back of my mind.  I can't wait for him to just be home so I don't have to worry anymore!  I cry at the drop of a hat in the most inappropriate places, and I'm getting pretty sick of it!

I had an endoscopy and a biopsy taken of my stomach today.  Very standard procedure; but as I was laying there waiting to be sedated, another patient woke up and they brought his wife in.  Tears just started rolling down my cheeks faster than I could wipe them off, and I didn't even really know why!  They rolled me into the procedure room and I started crying even harder-then they shoved oxygen tubes in my nose which made me very uncomfortable because my nose was running!  As I started falling asleep, I realized that I was crying because there was nothing I wanted more than for Mike to be there when I woke up.  I woke up to my mom sitting there watching me sleep, and the first thing I told her (in my sedated state) was that I dreamed about Mikey, and it was a good dream.  Every day that passes is one closer to him coming home, and I have to say I can't wait to have the old me back!

Fostering

First things first...I changed my blog name to Ladybug Love.  I want to write about things other than adoption, and this is much more fun!

I know that I'm a terrible blogger, but not much has changed so there's not much to write.  Mike and I have decided to try our hand at foster parenting when he gets home...if they will take us!  If we can't adopt or conceive right now, we'd like to have children involved in our lives somehow.  There are so many foster parents who do it for the very small paycheck that they receive, and couldn't care less about the children. I know that Mike and I will actually have the best interest of the children in mind, and maybe we can make a difference!   I am so grateful for my amazing friends and family, who deal with my mood swings and breakdowns.  Seeing everyone around me effortlessly make babies really takes a toll sometimes, but I know that my time will come...even if we end up adopting a child and not an infant.

Not this time

So, I got the call yesterday.  The lady from the adoption agency left me a voicemail, and I could tell by the tone of her voice that we didn't get the baby...but I called her back anyway.  I handled the call well, and she was reassuring that they would keep looking.  I had a breakdown several hours later, when I was in my car alone; and it was a pretty bad one.  I expected this news, I was 95%  sure that we wouldn't get the baby, but it was still hard to hear.  The birthmother took over 2 weeks to decide between us and 1 other couple, so I know that she really considered both families.  I just can't help but wonder if the agency swayed her toward the other family because they may have had the money up front, and we would have had to apply for loans.  I told Mike today and he seemed a little sad but also relieved, and I don't blame him.  I know this whole process is completely different for him than it is for me, he's excited but he doesn't feel the deep need to be a parent the way that I do.  I'm feeling a little pissed about a specific family member who seems to be trying to come between us...when we are already thousands of miles apart, so I'm going to close this for now so I don't say anything that I may regret. 

still no news

I am the worst blogger ever...but nothing is happening so I feel like anything I write will be completely boring.  We still don't know if we have been chosen as parents for the baby that was born a few weeks ago.  With the cost of adoption, you would think that the agency would keep in better contact with the prospective parents.  2 emails and 1 angry voicemail later, I got a short email stating that the birth mother still hasn't decided.  That's fine...that's all I needed to know!  I'm starting to wonder if this is the right agency for us, or maybe I'm just too impatient.  I have had several breakdowns, several arguments with my husband, and have dealt with more stress than I thought I could handle.  Thank goodness for the support of my friends and family!  My friend Crystal is even helping me look into fund-raising ideas!  I just need to stay positive and not give up.  If all else fails...foster parenting, here we come!  We will be parents to someone, somehow, someday!  Hopefully sooner than later!

Frustration!

This has nothing to do with adoption...or adventures :)  I'm angry and frustrated and I need an outlet.  I have been lied to and misled by someone who I love and trust very much...it doesn't matter who.  This person caused a lot of problems for him or herself and refuses to take any responsibility and is trying to make their mistakes all my fault.  As an adult, I know that when I am wrong there is nothing wrong with admitting that I've made a mistake.  If I hurt someone else, I swallow my pride and apologize.  Why can't all adults do these small things that would actually make the world a much happier place?  I make my own decisions, and I deal with the consequences that come with them...without blaming other people.  I just don't know where to go from here, I really don't like feeling like this!

No news is not necessarily good news

I got an email from our adoption coordinator, and she said they will have a decision in about a week. At this point, we have a 50/50 shot at being chosen, but the anxiety and stress of it all is taking a slight toll on our marriage.  Mike isn't here to go through everything with me and to calm me down when I have a crying fit, so we had a pretty big blowout the other night.  He had some valid points, the biggest being...if we get chosen, we will have to take out a pretty big loan to finance the adoption.  We will be starting off our lives as new parents with about $30,000 in new debt and yet another monthly payment.  Not to mention, we don't have anything we need for a new baby except lots of love!  If we get chosen, we will see what happens...we may not even be able to get a loan!  We decided that if this one doesn't work, we will try fostering for awhile when he gets home while we save money.  There is just so much that's completely out of my control, and I don't know if I've ever been so stressed! The birth mother decided at the last minute that she wanted to put her baby up for adoption, so this has all been kindof out of nowhere.  I know that right at this moment, there's really nothing I can do!  Lots of deep breaths and my amazing friends and family are making this a little easier, but Mike being here would comfort me more than anything. 

The waiting is the hardest part

Tom Petty was right...the waiting really is the hardest part! I submitted our paperwork last night, and the birth mother is supposed to choose today...but she may not make her final decision for a week or so.  She can't even sign the paperwork until 48 hours after being released from the hospital, and she pretty much has up until that point to decide.  Other than illegal activities, any suggestions on how to acquire $17, 000 in the next week?  This is what I get for marrying a poor man for love instead of a loaded man for, well...his money!  No matter what, I am not giving up.  If this doesn't work out I know that our time is coming.

Uncertainty

Today has been an absolute emotional rollercoaster.  I waited at the doctor for 2 hours before they finally drew blood...then the nurse somehow created a vacuum with the needle and blood was pouring all over my arm and down the chair, then onto my  new purse and favorite pair of jeans.  When I finally met with the doctor he told me that he thinks I have something called H Pylori (Helicobacter pylori), which can cause ulcers and in some cases stomach cancer.  He is scheduling an endoscopy for sometime in the very near future.  Lots of other stuff going on, but I'm too angry to talk about that.

It wasn't all bad, though.  The adoption agency we are working with called today and told me that we are 1 of 3 couples that the birth mother is choosing from, and she is due next week!  Super exciting, right?  I would be a lot more excited if we had the money required to make it happen.  I got our taxes done today, so unless they add any extra fees, we are ONLY about $8,000.00 short.  I did ask if they would be able to reduce their fees since it's such short notice, and she said if we are picked she will look into it.  I guess it's up to God and the birth mother at this point.  As one of my smartest and most favorite friends said; if it's meant to happen, it will happen whether we can afford it or not.  I will find out Monday, so wish us luck!  I haven't even had a chance to tell Mike about it, I hope he calls soon so I can update him!

The beginning

My name is Shara, and my husband's name is Mike.  He is currently in Afghanistan, so I am doing a lot of research on my own.  We have been thinking of adoption for awhile, and have recently decided to get the ball rolling!  Very exciting and frustrating at the same time.  I feel like I am surrounded by babies...all of my friends have babies and are working on more babies, and I am the odd woman out.  I was the one who wanted to be a mom when I grew up, and it's heartbreaking that it hasn't happened yet.  Everyone keeps telling me that I have plenty of time, but hitting 30 and being childless is an almost desperate feeling.  I have an amazing husband, a great support system, and we bought our first home last year.  All that's missing is a child...or two!  

NOTE:  Please do not tell me to stop trying and it will happen! We have fertility issues. I promise that when my husband and I are making love, I'm not thinking....This is the time...I know he's about to put a baby in me!  It's the absolute farthest thing from my mind.