Saturday, November 12, 2011

Chocolate cake and sex

It's after 4 AM and I'm still awake...and for no good reason!  My birthday went pretty well, I got a haircut and mike took me out to dinner.  This was probably the best birthday I've had since we've been together, because he actually made an effort.  He made me a cake and bought me a CD that I wanted.  The fact that he came home and immediately went to sleep on the couch-and I had to wake him up to take me to dinner was a little annoying.  I was hoping that he would at least attempt to put the moves on me, but he got in bed and went straight to sleep.  I was hoping for chocolate cake and sex on my birthday, at least the cake was delicious.

He was off today for Veteran's day, and I was hoping he would be up to doing something fun.  He slept until 6 PM, and I did laundry and caught up on recorded shows on the DVR.  6 PM...that's just ridiculous!  We went to bed late, but it was about 2 AM, nothing that would have required him to sleep so late.  He has staff duty again today-so I won't see him until Sunday morning. There went our weekend.

All I wanted before bed was a long, hot shower.  Mike jumped in before me and took way longer than normal...and used all of the hot water.  I was hoping to shave my legs, but doing so in cold water is just counter-productive.  That pissed me off a little.  Just as the cold water started feeling a little less uncomfortable, he decided that he had to poop.  Awesome. I stood under the cold water  until he was finished. 

I am easily irritated lately because of all of the lying and ridiculousness, I am really hoping that him getting help-will help us. My self esteem has taken quite a hit since this porn addiction has come to light, and I find myself angry and annoyed way more than normal.  This just isn't me.  I'm happy, loving, excited by little things...i just want to get back to the old me.  I am trying to hard to work through this with him and make our marriage work, but I am not willing to lose myself in the process.  I liked me, as a matter of fact I LOVED me! Now I don't even know who this person is. I am putting this in writing so that I can't deny it.  This really is his last chance. Mike, if you give a shit enough about our marriage to bother reading my blog, please believe me.  I'm done.  Love isn't always enough, especially when there isn't any trust.  We're hanging on by a very thin thread. I'm going to try to get some sleep before the sun comes up!

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