I always try to make my husband feel special on his birthday. I make him a cake, cook him a meal that he loves, make or buy him a card, and get him a gift from the heart. Gifts aren't really our thing, we love getting them for other people-but I would rather have a poem, handmade card-something that takes a little time and thought from my husband. He has never done anything to make me feel special at all on my birthday, and now that it's only 4 days away I find myself dreading it. I am not dreading turning 31, but the feeling that he just doesn't care. I don't know why I expect him to do anything special, I keep track of every family and friend birthday and I send cards and gifts...I guess hoping that he would remember mine is a little silly.
I know that he loves me, that's not the issue. There has just been so much going wrong since he got home from Afghanistan. I am constantly being lied to, he has a porn addiction, and he hasn't initiated sex even once since before he left for Afghanistan-in May of 2010. I would just love a birthday where he does something, anything, to try to make ME feel special! I told him that I would love a chocolate cake that I don't have to make, I don't feel like I'm asking for too much. My mom is here, so I'm sure she will remind him and he will be scrambling around to do something at the last second. He is working a 24 hour shift the day before, and he will probably get home around 9:30 am on my birthday. He will go to sleep until his first appointment with his addiction counselor at 2, and then he will come home and most likely want to go back to bed. I honestly don't even think he will make it to his appointment, he will inevitably forget to set his alarm-or sleep through it. I know this sounds ridiculously negative, but that's just how I'm feeling at the moment.
I'm going to make Thursday my day. I'm getting a hair cut, taking myself to lunch, and maybe even treating myself to a movie. If I keep busy, at least I won't be thinking about the fact that my husband doesn't put any thought into my birthday. I wish I could be like him and just blow off his birthday, but that's just not who I am. No matter how hurt I am, I don't want him to feel the way I have felt every year on my birthday since we got married. Alone. I feel selfish thinking these things, let alone writing them.