Monday, November 7, 2011

Turning 31

I always try to make my husband feel special on his birthday.  I make him a cake, cook him a meal that he loves, make or buy him a card, and get him a gift from the heart.  Gifts aren't really our thing, we love getting them for other people-but I would rather have a poem, handmade card-something that takes a little time and thought from my husband.  He has never done anything to make me feel special at all on my birthday, and now that it's only 4 days away I find myself dreading it.  I am not dreading turning 31, but the feeling that he just doesn't care.  I don't know why I expect him to do anything special, I keep track of every family and friend birthday and I send cards and gifts...I guess hoping that he would remember mine is a little silly. 

I know that he loves me, that's not the issue.  There has just been so much going wrong since he got home from Afghanistan.  I am constantly being lied to, he has a porn addiction, and he hasn't initiated sex even once since before he left for Afghanistan-in May of 2010.  I would just love a birthday where he does something, anything, to try to make ME feel special!  I told him that I would love a chocolate cake that I don't have to make, I don't feel like I'm asking for too much.  My mom is here, so I'm sure she will remind him and he will be scrambling around to do something at the last second.  He is working a 24 hour shift the day before, and he will probably get home around 9:30 am on my birthday.  He will go to sleep until his first appointment with his addiction counselor at 2, and then he will come home and most likely want to go back to bed.  I honestly don't even think he will make it to his appointment, he will inevitably forget to set his alarm-or sleep through it.  I know this sounds ridiculously negative, but that's just how I'm feeling at the moment.

I'm going to make Thursday my day.  I'm getting a hair cut, taking myself to lunch, and maybe even treating myself to a movie.  If I keep busy, at least I won't be thinking about the fact that my husband doesn't put any thought into my birthday.  I wish I could be like him and just blow off his birthday, but that's just not who I am.  No matter how hurt I am, I don't want him to feel the way I have felt every year on my birthday since we got married.  Alone.  I feel selfish thinking these things, let alone writing them.

1 comment:

  1. Ok, So I have read all of your blogs and I guess I feel like sometimes something needs to be said.
    I understand how you feel about this birthday thing. It always seems like we are broke around my birthday, but the difference is that we are "gift" people. but I totally get the no card, no cake crap...sometimes I just wish that we could be happy going into it "knowing" it wasnt going to happen.
    I wish that you were here....I would love to help you celebrate your day of birthing. you deserve soooooo much more than a hair appt and a lonely lunch. You may have the biggest heart, most tolerante demenor, and most supportive actions a wife could have. If things arent working out in your marriage, my suggestion is you look at your post above and ask why? A lying, porn addicted, self centered husband has NEVER been something you would have dealt with. He needs to understand that you spent how long with him away on deployment...and now are dealing with complete bull shit from him. he is CRAZY if he thinks that his situation should dictate how he deals with you. HONESTY is not an "ELECTIVE" to your marriage,or anyone elses. Of course your mother is going to go out of her way to make sure her baby girl gets some sort of celebration, but it shouldnt be up to her. If he is going in on a 24 hour shift the you should sit him down before hand and say "look, i realize that you are working and getting off early thursday, but it is my birthday and you have a dr appt at 2. I would appreciate a little thought going into something for me on my birthday. I know it is tons to ask, but I feel very slighted almost every year at this time, and would like some thought to go into MY DAY~!" (I see it as leading the horse to H2O. MAKE THE ASS DRINK!!!) "these are some things that I would like...(insert list here) and you have been married to me for (insert # of years) and know me well enough to handel this" and if he says "I know that it is your b day and I have it handeled" then leave it alone. If he doesnt follow thru, i say make a marriage counsler appt. instead of porn addiction. that alone says alot about his "Commitment" to get better. Call me if you want to talk. I mean no negitive feelings toward your husband. I just get a little shitty when he hurts your feelings. I love you. And in the end, I hope your Birthday is nice.<3