Not this time

So, I got the call yesterday.  The lady from the adoption agency left me a voicemail, and I could tell by the tone of her voice that we didn't get the baby...but I called her back anyway.  I handled the call well, and she was reassuring that they would keep looking.  I had a breakdown several hours later, when I was in my car alone; and it was a pretty bad one.  I expected this news, I was 95%  sure that we wouldn't get the baby, but it was still hard to hear.  The birthmother took over 2 weeks to decide between us and 1 other couple, so I know that she really considered both families.  I just can't help but wonder if the agency swayed her toward the other family because they may have had the money up front, and we would have had to apply for loans.  I told Mike today and he seemed a little sad but also relieved, and I don't blame him.  I know this whole process is completely different for him than it is for me, he's excited but he doesn't feel the deep need to be a parent the way that I do.  I'm feeling a little pissed about a specific family member who seems to be trying to come between us...when we are already thousands of miles apart, so I'm going to close this for now so I don't say anything that I may regret. 

still no news

I am the worst blogger ever...but nothing is happening so I feel like anything I write will be completely boring.  We still don't know if we have been chosen as parents for the baby that was born a few weeks ago.  With the cost of adoption, you would think that the agency would keep in better contact with the prospective parents.  2 emails and 1 angry voicemail later, I got a short email stating that the birth mother still hasn't decided.  That's fine...that's all I needed to know!  I'm starting to wonder if this is the right agency for us, or maybe I'm just too impatient.  I have had several breakdowns, several arguments with my husband, and have dealt with more stress than I thought I could handle.  Thank goodness for the support of my friends and family!  My friend Crystal is even helping me look into fund-raising ideas!  I just need to stay positive and not give up.  If all else fails...foster parenting, here we come!  We will be parents to someone, somehow, someday!  Hopefully sooner than later!

Frustration!

This has nothing to do with adoption...or adventures :)  I'm angry and frustrated and I need an outlet.  I have been lied to and misled by someone who I love and trust very much...it doesn't matter who.  This person caused a lot of problems for him or herself and refuses to take any responsibility and is trying to make their mistakes all my fault.  As an adult, I know that when I am wrong there is nothing wrong with admitting that I've made a mistake.  If I hurt someone else, I swallow my pride and apologize.  Why can't all adults do these small things that would actually make the world a much happier place?  I make my own decisions, and I deal with the consequences that come with them...without blaming other people.  I just don't know where to go from here, I really don't like feeling like this!

No news is not necessarily good news

I got an email from our adoption coordinator, and she said they will have a decision in about a week. At this point, we have a 50/50 shot at being chosen, but the anxiety and stress of it all is taking a slight toll on our marriage.  Mike isn't here to go through everything with me and to calm me down when I have a crying fit, so we had a pretty big blowout the other night.  He had some valid points, the biggest being...if we get chosen, we will have to take out a pretty big loan to finance the adoption.  We will be starting off our lives as new parents with about $30,000 in new debt and yet another monthly payment.  Not to mention, we don't have anything we need for a new baby except lots of love!  If we get chosen, we will see what happens...we may not even be able to get a loan!  We decided that if this one doesn't work, we will try fostering for awhile when he gets home while we save money.  There is just so much that's completely out of my control, and I don't know if I've ever been so stressed! The birth mother decided at the last minute that she wanted to put her baby up for adoption, so this has all been kindof out of nowhere.  I know that right at this moment, there's really nothing I can do!  Lots of deep breaths and my amazing friends and family are making this a little easier, but Mike being here would comfort me more than anything. 

The waiting is the hardest part

Tom Petty was right...the waiting really is the hardest part! I submitted our paperwork last night, and the birth mother is supposed to choose today...but she may not make her final decision for a week or so.  She can't even sign the paperwork until 48 hours after being released from the hospital, and she pretty much has up until that point to decide.  Other than illegal activities, any suggestions on how to acquire $17, 000 in the next week?  This is what I get for marrying a poor man for love instead of a loaded man for, well...his money!  No matter what, I am not giving up.  If this doesn't work out I know that our time is coming.

Uncertainty

Today has been an absolute emotional rollercoaster.  I waited at the doctor for 2 hours before they finally drew blood...then the nurse somehow created a vacuum with the needle and blood was pouring all over my arm and down the chair, then onto my  new purse and favorite pair of jeans.  When I finally met with the doctor he told me that he thinks I have something called H Pylori (Helicobacter pylori), which can cause ulcers and in some cases stomach cancer.  He is scheduling an endoscopy for sometime in the very near future.  Lots of other stuff going on, but I'm too angry to talk about that.

It wasn't all bad, though.  The adoption agency we are working with called today and told me that we are 1 of 3 couples that the birth mother is choosing from, and she is due next week!  Super exciting, right?  I would be a lot more excited if we had the money required to make it happen.  I got our taxes done today, so unless they add any extra fees, we are ONLY about $8,000.00 short.  I did ask if they would be able to reduce their fees since it's such short notice, and she said if we are picked she will look into it.  I guess it's up to God and the birth mother at this point.  As one of my smartest and most favorite friends said; if it's meant to happen, it will happen whether we can afford it or not.  I will find out Monday, so wish us luck!  I haven't even had a chance to tell Mike about it, I hope he calls soon so I can update him!