Nightmares

A very wise friend told me that the last few months of deployment are the hardest.  I didn't realize how stressed I have been until I started having terrible nightmares that he is just gone.  I don't know what happened, but he's not here anymore and all I can do is cry.  Luckily, he usually calls and interrupts the nightmare and I can breathe a huge sigh of relief.  I didn't hear from him today and I'm sure he's fine, but the nightmare is always in the back of my mind.  I can't wait for him to just be home so I don't have to worry anymore!  I cry at the drop of a hat in the most inappropriate places, and I'm getting pretty sick of it!

I had an endoscopy and a biopsy taken of my stomach today.  Very standard procedure; but as I was laying there waiting to be sedated, another patient woke up and they brought his wife in.  Tears just started rolling down my cheeks faster than I could wipe them off, and I didn't even really know why!  They rolled me into the procedure room and I started crying even harder-then they shoved oxygen tubes in my nose which made me very uncomfortable because my nose was running!  As I started falling asleep, I realized that I was crying because there was nothing I wanted more than for Mike to be there when I woke up.  I woke up to my mom sitting there watching me sleep, and the first thing I told her (in my sedated state) was that I dreamed about Mikey, and it was a good dream.  Every day that passes is one closer to him coming home, and I have to say I can't wait to have the old me back!

Fostering

First things first...I changed my blog name to Ladybug Love.  I want to write about things other than adoption, and this is much more fun!

I know that I'm a terrible blogger, but not much has changed so there's not much to write.  Mike and I have decided to try our hand at foster parenting when he gets home...if they will take us!  If we can't adopt or conceive right now, we'd like to have children involved in our lives somehow.  There are so many foster parents who do it for the very small paycheck that they receive, and couldn't care less about the children. I know that Mike and I will actually have the best interest of the children in mind, and maybe we can make a difference!   I am so grateful for my amazing friends and family, who deal with my mood swings and breakdowns.  Seeing everyone around me effortlessly make babies really takes a toll sometimes, but I know that my time will come...even if we end up adopting a child and not an infant.

Not this time

So, I got the call yesterday.  The lady from the adoption agency left me a voicemail, and I could tell by the tone of her voice that we didn't get the baby...but I called her back anyway.  I handled the call well, and she was reassuring that they would keep looking.  I had a breakdown several hours later, when I was in my car alone; and it was a pretty bad one.  I expected this news, I was 95%  sure that we wouldn't get the baby, but it was still hard to hear.  The birthmother took over 2 weeks to decide between us and 1 other couple, so I know that she really considered both families.  I just can't help but wonder if the agency swayed her toward the other family because they may have had the money up front, and we would have had to apply for loans.  I told Mike today and he seemed a little sad but also relieved, and I don't blame him.  I know this whole process is completely different for him than it is for me, he's excited but he doesn't feel the deep need to be a parent the way that I do.  I'm feeling a little pissed about a specific family member who seems to be trying to come between us...when we are already thousands of miles apart, so I'm going to close this for now so I don't say anything that I may regret. 

still no news

I am the worst blogger ever...but nothing is happening so I feel like anything I write will be completely boring.  We still don't know if we have been chosen as parents for the baby that was born a few weeks ago.  With the cost of adoption, you would think that the agency would keep in better contact with the prospective parents.  2 emails and 1 angry voicemail later, I got a short email stating that the birth mother still hasn't decided.  That's fine...that's all I needed to know!  I'm starting to wonder if this is the right agency for us, or maybe I'm just too impatient.  I have had several breakdowns, several arguments with my husband, and have dealt with more stress than I thought I could handle.  Thank goodness for the support of my friends and family!  My friend Crystal is even helping me look into fund-raising ideas!  I just need to stay positive and not give up.  If all else fails...foster parenting, here we come!  We will be parents to someone, somehow, someday!  Hopefully sooner than later!

Frustration!

This has nothing to do with adoption...or adventures :)  I'm angry and frustrated and I need an outlet.  I have been lied to and misled by someone who I love and trust very much...it doesn't matter who.  This person caused a lot of problems for him or herself and refuses to take any responsibility and is trying to make their mistakes all my fault.  As an adult, I know that when I am wrong there is nothing wrong with admitting that I've made a mistake.  If I hurt someone else, I swallow my pride and apologize.  Why can't all adults do these small things that would actually make the world a much happier place?  I make my own decisions, and I deal with the consequences that come with them...without blaming other people.  I just don't know where to go from here, I really don't like feeling like this!

No news is not necessarily good news

I got an email from our adoption coordinator, and she said they will have a decision in about a week. At this point, we have a 50/50 shot at being chosen, but the anxiety and stress of it all is taking a slight toll on our marriage.  Mike isn't here to go through everything with me and to calm me down when I have a crying fit, so we had a pretty big blowout the other night.  He had some valid points, the biggest being...if we get chosen, we will have to take out a pretty big loan to finance the adoption.  We will be starting off our lives as new parents with about $30,000 in new debt and yet another monthly payment.  Not to mention, we don't have anything we need for a new baby except lots of love!  If we get chosen, we will see what happens...we may not even be able to get a loan!  We decided that if this one doesn't work, we will try fostering for awhile when he gets home while we save money.  There is just so much that's completely out of my control, and I don't know if I've ever been so stressed! The birth mother decided at the last minute that she wanted to put her baby up for adoption, so this has all been kindof out of nowhere.  I know that right at this moment, there's really nothing I can do!  Lots of deep breaths and my amazing friends and family are making this a little easier, but Mike being here would comfort me more than anything. 

The waiting is the hardest part

Tom Petty was right...the waiting really is the hardest part! I submitted our paperwork last night, and the birth mother is supposed to choose today...but she may not make her final decision for a week or so.  She can't even sign the paperwork until 48 hours after being released from the hospital, and she pretty much has up until that point to decide.  Other than illegal activities, any suggestions on how to acquire $17, 000 in the next week?  This is what I get for marrying a poor man for love instead of a loaded man for, well...his money!  No matter what, I am not giving up.  If this doesn't work out I know that our time is coming.